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JokesA Singer's Guide to Performance

  • Wait for all applause - real, expected, or imagined! If you donít get an ovation, face front and repeat the last phrase louder. Failing this, clap for yourself.
  • Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results - on stage and off
  • A good performance, like concrete, should be moulded quickly and then forever set.
  • Your first responsibility as a singer is to find your light.
  • Do not listen to your fellow singers on stage. It will only throw you. Do not look at them either - You may not like what you see.
  • Always be specific - point to what youíre singing about.
  • If a phrase isnít working for you, change it.
  • Stage Managers arc NOT singers - ignore them. Keep them alert by never arriving on time or signing in.
  • Never be afraid to ad-lib to get attention, especially if you feel the other singers arenít very entertaining.
  • Mistakes are never your fault.
  • Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Your fellow singers will respect your professional attention to detail.
  • Never carry make-up - someone else will always have what you need. Never help understudies. (They secretly hate you and want your job)
  • Do help your fellow singers by giving them constructive criticism whenever you feel it necessary. Be sure to give that criticism immediately before they go on - it will be fresh in their minds that way.
  • Keep other singers on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what youíre going to do next
  • Play the reality - always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the opera, and then gauge your performance accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful snobs?
  • Need to develop a character? Get a costume.
  • The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.

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