Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet into the earth?

Because deep down he was a nice guy.

What do all great conductors have in common?

They're all dead.

So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist, expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, “Alright, who did that?!”

One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hid one of the drummer’s sticks. After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic, wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven: “Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I’m a Conductor!”

What does a good conductor weigh?

28oz. (not including urn)

What do you need when you have a conductor up to his neck in quicksand?

More quicksand

What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?

A freight train needs a conductor!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit said, “Watch where you are going. Can’t you see that I am blind?” The snake replied. “No. I can’t see that you are blind because I am blind myself.” Then the rabbit got a brilliant idea. “Why don’t we feel each other and guess what the other is?” The snake accepted this proposal and went first. The snake said, “Let’s see -- your furry with long ears and a cotton tail - you must be a rabbit.” “Very good,” said the rabbit. “Now it’s my turn. You are cold, slimy, spineless, and have no ears. You must be a conductor”

In the beginning, there were only wind instruments in the orchestra. Then, they noticed that many of the people were too stupid to play wind instruments, so they gave them large boxes with wires strapped across them. These people were known as “strings”. Then they noticed that some people were too dumb to play strings, so they were given two sticks and were told to hit whatever they wanted. These people were known as “percussionists”. Finally, they noticed that one percussionist was so dumb, he couldn’t even do that, so they took away one of his sticks and told him to go stand in front of everybody. And that was the birth of the first conductor.

What is the difference between a conductor and a chimpanzee?

It has been scientifically proven that chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor. “What do you think about Brahms?” asked the conductor. “Ah..." the violinist replied, “Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!” The conductor was impressed. “And what do you think of Mozart?” he asked him. “Oh, he’s just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!” replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of manure?

The sack.

What's the difference between a dead conductor in the road and a dead snake in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake

What do you do with a person who can't play his own instrument?

Give him a stick and call him a conductor.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's' dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times. Always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Did you hear about the band director who got zapped by electricity?

Yeah, he must have been a good conductor!

A musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of the percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director cried in frustration,

"When a musician can’t handle their instrument, they give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"

A whisper was heard from the percussion section:

  "And if he can’t handle that, they remove one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

(Submitted by Philip Haworth)